"...Fear not; I will help thee."

Yesterday, our pastor preached a message titled "What to Do When Everything Falls In."  It encouraged my heart so much, and I've decided it's time to share something very personal with you.

Now I don't really feel that my whole world is falling in.  I have so many blessings that come every day.  I am very thankful for God's love and peace, and I appreciate all the good things that He has provided.  However, there is a part of my life that is very stressful and hard, and parents of autistic children know what I mean. 

There.  I said it.  That word that I have avoided saying for about a year.  The word that's been in my mind for a couple of years, but I always pushed it away with, "She can't have autism.  She talks so well."  But she talks too well, like an adult in a four-year-old body.  And sometimes the things she says are so extremely proper, that she sounds ridiculous.  And when she doesn't understand something, her mind turns off and she screams horrible things and breaks things. 

For a long time, I kept thinking that she was just extremely rebellious.  People would tell me that I just have to be firm and eventually she would calm down.  Eventually.  I got advice from older Christians who raised good families.  I read good parenting books.  I tried eliminating things from her diet.  More time passed.  Instead of outgrowing her screaming and her strange sense of order and her need for certain routines, it all got worse.  I started researching other possibilities.  I found a good description for Asperger syndrome, and it described so much of what she does.  Now our family doctor is helping us to get her officially diagnosed before she starts school this fall. 

There's so much that this involves.  It's hard to share all the frustrations.  Everyday things like going to the store can take a lot of time.  She insists on brushing her teeth, but screams when I brush her hair.  Sometimes it takes a long time to persuade her to wear the right kind of clothes.  "Today's a cold day; you have to wear a coat instead of a sweater," doesn't make any sense to her; but when summer comes, it will be hard to get her to give up her coat.  Sometimes her food is confusing to her.  I have to break it down into bites and show her which one to eat first.  Even just writing this, I've had to stop so many times to stop her from doing something or to get her something.  And every time it's a huge emotional ordeal for her.

Sometimes I wonder how much she really understands.  Does she just memorize words and sentences and responses?  Then when she runs out of memorized material, is that why she has a meltdown?

I'm trying to learn.  I'm making social stories and comic strips.  I'm trying to find out what works.  I've learned that pictures work better than speaking.  I also know there's a long road ahead.  I'd like to share some of what I was reminded of in our pastor's message yesterday morning from 1 Samuel 30.

• We are inadequate, on our own, to handle our problems.  David clung to God, and he was strengthened and encouraged.  "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  (Phillippians 4:13)  "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."  (Phillippians 4:19
• Don't assume.  During times of stress, it's easy to just assume what you should be doing.  Always pray and follow the Lord's leading.  Don't just make your decisions based on what "makes sense."  "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass."
• Don't faint.  Go all the way through this trial.  After the tenth or twentieth problem of the day, I still need to be patient and have the right attitude. 
• David recovered everything.  God can work wondrous things in this situation. 

Now, you can see a part of my heart.  In future posts, I probably won't talk very much about it, but if I mention that a particular day has been hard, you'll know there has probably been a lot of tears, battles, and seemingly futile efforts.  Pray for us.  We really need it.

God is so good, isn't He?  I love the verse in Isaiah 41 that says, "For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."

"...Fear not; I will help thee."

I just love that.

Hannah

Have you ever noticed how life seems to come in stages?  There's the "little-child" stage, that early part of our childhood before we learn about the difficulties of life.  There's the "end-of-life" stage, when the virtuous woman is surrounded by "the fruit of her hands" and "her own works" are praising her.  In between, there are various other stages in which we are supposed to be growing more and more into the person God wants us to be. 

Most of the time, this growth is achieved gradually through reading the Bible, studying its truths, and praying to the Lord.  However, our biggest growth seems to occur during tragedies, those life-shattering crisises that sometimes interrupt our day-to-day routine.

As we emerge from this pain, we find ourselves in a new stage.  Our perspective has been changed.  We are less concerned about the petty things of life.  Having gone through that trial, we have matured.  We are more appreciate of the blessings and joys that we still have.  We have been forced to lean more on the Lord, and our faith has been strengthened.

This weekend a friend of mine has gone into a stage that very few women her age experience.  She lost both of her children in a car accident.  As she is lying in her own hospital bed in ICU today, I am praying for her to feel God's presence holding her up.  She, her husband, and their families will undoubtedly emerge much stronger from this trial.  As time goes on, part of her will always bear the scar from this pain.  It will be a token of honor.  She is becoming the woman God wants her to be.

 "Wherein ye greatly rejoice,

 though now for a season, if need be,

ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:   

That the trial of your faith,

being much more precious than of gold that perisheth,

though it be tried with fire,

might be found unto praise and honour and glory

at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

1 Peter 1:6-7